Wednesday, May 19, 2004

7 steps to embark on a perfect romance (aka timing is everything)

Yesterday Doc Conlin wrote:

Why is it that any time new romantic interest brews, all the standouts from past seem to instinctively decide to "check in" and "say hello", simultaneously? Even the ones who have been incommunicado for, like, ever? Clockwork. What are you people not telling us?

Heather concurs, stating "I think there is some sort of direct calculation for hearing from exes/past crushes/past interests at the exact point of which you embark on a new romantic interest."

I have often used the example of instant noodles to analogize with the female perspective on romance. Instead of waiting patiently for the right guy to come along, they just jump right onto the next double-decker bus. Sooner or later they regret it and they start calling the guy they actually like just to say hello, but of course, it's too late because he already has a new girlfriend. This goes on and on and on...

The window of opportunity of two single people who are into each other meeting is extremely slim. Thus, love triangles or rectangles exist in one out of three relationships.

In this age where meaningful and quality romance is rare as uncooked red meat, I have the following solutions (this works for both guys and girls):

1. Keep a number of 5-7 prospective mates in your book (the more the better, but not more than 13 because it is hard to keep track);

2. Make sure they are evenly distributed geographically (e.g. 1 in Wyoming, 1 in New York, 1 in Tokyo, 1 in Prague, 3 in the same city you're located, etc.)
[Note: This is very important because you will at least have a place to stay if you decide to visit those places for work or leisure];

3. Draw a box next to each name;

4. Check in with them regularly. If they live in your city, eat dinner with them once every three weeks. If they live far away, e-mail or call twice a month and inquire about their romantic status after doing some small talk;

5. If they have recently become single, put a check in the box next to their name. Pay them a visit if they live far or invite them to a classy party if they live near. Then put on your moves and act groovy and go at it;

6. Repeat 1-5;

7. Add more mates to the list as time goes on, and repeat 1-6.

I guarantee by using this 7-step method, you're destined to dispel the myth that "I never had the right timing" because now you have command of every single mate's situation and you can manipulate it at the tip of your finger. If it doesn't work, e-mail me and I'll buy you a steak dinner.

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